• If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and the impersonators would be dead.
-Johnny Carson

• I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited

• Judge not a man by his clothes, but by his wife's clothes.
-Thomas R. Dewar

• Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.
-Homer Simpson

• There are terrible temptations which it requires strength and courage to yield to.
-Oscar Wilde

• Anyone who can only think of only one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination.
-Mark Twain

• Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
-Will Rogers

• Anyone who is considered funny will tell you, sometimes without even your asking, that deep inside they are very serious, neurotic, introspective people.
-Wendy Wasserstein

• All modern men are descended from wormlike creatures, but it shows more on some people.
-Will Cuppy

• Try praising your wife, even if it does frighten her at first.
-Billy Sunday

• Love - a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker.

• Getting Kicked in the nuts hurts alot more than delivering a baby

• "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
-Phyllis Diller

• Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
-Bill Gates

• I always advise people never to give advice.
-P. G. Wodehouse

• My computer goes down on me more often than my girlfriend.
-Robert Paul

• Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it.
-Max Frisch

• God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
-Voltaire

• Television is to news what bumper stickers are to philosophy.
-Richard Nixon

• When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
-Gracie Allen

• When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.
-George Burns

• Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.
-Les Dawson

• Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
-John Barrymore

• It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.
-Laurence J Peter

• We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller

• A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.
-Samuel Butler

• If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
-Carl Sagan

• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
-Redd Foxx

• Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.
-Gordon R. Dickson

• If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.
-Dave Allen

• Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
-Demetri Martin

• A dream catcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
-Demetri Martin

• Love means telling you why you're sorry

• Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.

• I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.

• I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.

• He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

• It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.

• Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

• I carried my Oscar to bed with me. My first and only three-way happened that night.
-Halle Berry

• Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
-Robin Williams

• If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every twenty eight days.
-Robin Williams

• People say satire is dead. It's not dead. It's alive and living in the White House.
-Robin Williams

• The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, "Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and yelling, "You want a piece of me?"
-Robin Williams

• Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
-Groucho Marx

• The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.
-Arthur Schopenhauer