• Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.

• Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.

• Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself-like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.
-Jean Kerr

• "My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe."
-Jimmy Durante

• Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have
rushed through life trying to save.
-Will Rogers

• Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain-and most fools do.
-Dale Carnegie

• One of the lessons of history is that Nothing is often a good thing to do and
always a clever thing to say.
-Will Durant

• Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
-Golda Meir

• Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

• When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.

• Work is the curse of the drinking class.

• There's nothing more restful than taking orders from fools.

• I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...
or a game of fake heart attack.
-Demetri Martin

• Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
-Bill Cosby

• So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".
-Tommy Cooper

• My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
-Bob Monkhouse

• In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought...I must put a roof on this lavatory.

• A man commented to his lunch companion: "My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire." "You're lucky," sighed the companion. "My wife dreams that in the daytime."
-Sam Ewing

• On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done
just as easily lying down.

• Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
-Mae West

• I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
-Groucho Marx

• Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
-Woody Allen

• I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.
-George Burns

• Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.
-Winston Churchill

• Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.
-Oscar Wilde

• An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.
-Mae West

• Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
-Woody Allen

• Another such victory, and we are undone.
-Pyrrhus

• Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
-Groucho Marx

• Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.
-Mae West

• As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to
figure out how to get the bark on.
-Woody Allen

• Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies.
-Oliver Goldsmith

• Avoid employing unlucky people. Throw half the CV's away before you
even look at them.
-David Brent

• Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are
putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.
-Mark Twain

• Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
-Emo Phillips

• I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone,
but they've always worked for me.
-Hunter S. Thompson

• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
-Oscar Wilde

• My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife, you'll be happy;
if not, you'll become a philosopher.
-Socrates

• I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
-Winston Churchill

• To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I've done it a thousand times.
-Mark Twain

• I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-A. Whitney Brown